My thoughts everyday (April free choice)

I can’t find words to describe it. It feels like someone is constantly trying to cut my chest out with a rusty hacksaw. From the moment i wake up. Sometimes it hurts so bad i can’t even get out of bed, so i’ll just lay there until im literally dragged out of bed. I don’t know why this feeling is always lingering. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and wish for everything to just go black and disappear. For there to be nothing. No sound, no sight, no thoughts. I just want nothing.~

 

It haunts me. I hate silence so fucking much because when it’s quiet i can hear it. It screams so goddamn loud. And i’m always am screaming back, trying to scare it off. But when you make it angry it hurts you by screaming so loud that it rattles and shakes every fibre in my body to tears, and it won’t stop until all you wanna do is find the nearest object to bash your skull in. That’s why I always listen to music. So i have other voices to help drown out the sound of its shrieks bouncing around my head. I want it to go away. But each day it just seems to get worse.~

 

I’m scared of what other people will do to me. Just because im a male who is over six feet tall doesn’t mean i can’t be taken advantage of. I remember loving people. Thinking we were all born good and pure. I remember walking around thinking i was untouchable. “That happens to people but it won’t ever happen to me.” what do you do when it happens to you, and you live in a society where “that just doesn’t happen to guys”. I trusted you. I loved you. Why would you do that to me? I SAID NO  AND YOU DIDN’T STOP, YOU DIDN’T FUCKING STOP.~

 

You can’t move, you can’t close your eyes, you are so tense it feels like all the tendons in your body are about to snap. “Notrightnotrightnotrightnotrightnotrightnotrightnotrightnotrightnotright” is all you can hear in you head. So you do the same mundane task again. And again and again and again and again and again. And it all has to be a certain way or else you will want to cry. Everyday I turn my lights on and off five times before i leave my room. I sit in the exact same seat on the city bus every morning. I have certain places i have to sit to feel comfortable at all my friends houses and any other place i go to often. I have to do certain tasks at random or else i’ll freak out for no reason. Or I’ll do something and immediately check it twenty times because my brain freaks out for no reason and tells me it’s not okay. ~

 

A rant about school- (February free choice)

I’m not interested. I’m not inspired. I’m sick of it all. this school has stolen my imagination and has institutionalized me. You shouldn’t spend all of your youth locked in a building with bars over the windows while someone throws useless and uninteresting information at you for seven hours a day. It sounds like torture because it is. I hate school. I hate school so damn much because, over the twelve goddam years that I’ve wasted here, I really haven’t learned anything useful, or anything I’m actually interested in. and according to the absolute geniuses they got working here, they see a child who is uninterested in math and puts him in more of it, even though all he wants to be a politician. they see a girl who draws on her biology notes and they demand that she takes an extra science course because, “she isn’t applying herself’, even though she wants to be an artist. They see a young man who is half asleep in language arts class, they call him “disrespectful” and tell him that he’s not good enough, so they fail him and make him take the course again so he can learn to write a perfect essay, because he really needs to know how to do that to become a hockey player. Or my personal favorite, a girl only needs 2 more credits and one more course and isn’t planning on going to post-secondary, so she tries her hardest to get the rest of the day as spares in hopes that she could get a job and work in the morning and show up for the one class she needs instead of wasting her time but the school says “nope, you don’t need spares, you need more classes that your not interested in at all.” real examples. The only thing these people are learning in school is an outdated lesson called, don’t question authority because authority is never wrong. And here is my favorite part, nobody ever speaks up about this very obvious elephant in the room. Because we taught to hide our feelings and to stay quiet, hold them down inside of us until we eventually snap, so far, I’ve seen about ten people snap because of this, some of them literally on the brink of suicide because they don’t fit into the fake environment and they aren’t interested in the subjects that we have been force fed our entire lives. Did I mention the asshole kids that you’re surrounded by all day? The ones that were raised to think that they are better than everyone else because they have perfect grades because having straight A’s in every class will definitely matter in 10 years when you have the same job as everyone else with the same paycheck as everyone else. meanwhile, that kid who failed language arts is a famous hockey player making almost triple what everyone else makes. The education system doesn’t work. All it does is kill your hopes and dreams, force your personality through a cookie cutter system, and ruin the motivation and drive of every kid who isn’t interested in their classes because they would much rather do something else.

 

A perfect spring evening

A perfect spring evening,

Or so it seemed.

The message for help,

The boiling anger inside me,

I had to help him.

He is my brother.

Strong I stood

as their attention switched to me.

The

Tention

Was

Too

Much.

I remember every strike.

The first broke my tooth.

The second blurred my vision.

The third busted my lip.

The fourth made my nose bleed.

The fifth knocked me on the ground.

The sixth, seventh, and eighth,

Connected the back of my head

Nearly knocking me unconscious.

The sirens screamed,

Causing a cacophony of footsteps that quickly disappeared into the distance,

They got away.

A perfect spring evening,

Or so it seemed.

 

did punching me in the face like ten times solve anything? no? exactly. fighting is stupid, if you had half a brain you could have solved this with words. then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten arrested. dipshit.

The Noot

The paint light blue paint was peeling from the weathered siding, the front window was smashed, the shards of sharp glass strewn all over the dead grass. There was a small poorly made gravel pit to the left, and in the middle, a tiny rusted fire pit. It was about three o’clock and the sun was directly behind the giant oak tree that partly engulfed the structure. Its twisted branches hanging low and casting shadows on the ground that danced in the breeze. All six of us stood in the middle of the property, staring at this old abandoned trailer house.

“Is it abandoned?” asked my friend Brendan.

All of us looked at each other and nervously shuffled towards the ancient structure. As we got closer, I pulled my old flashlight out. It was one of those really cheap ones from the dollar store.

“Oof, I hope it doesn’t die while we are inside.” I thought.

We finally reached the faded white door, my friend Jerm turned the handle and pulled, it struggled to open, the hinges squealing in pain as it slowly opened wider and wider, the warm sunlight spilling all over the floor inside. We a slowly poured into the entrance, the broken windows were boarded up with old weathered plywood. As we moved further into the entrance, a smell crawled up my nose, a sort of wet, musty odor. The odor that an old dishcloth would get after years of use. To the right of me, there was a step that led to a small pink door, the door was slightly open and it appeared to lead to the rest of the rooms in the house. My friend Sandro, who is the bravest, took the lead after he called us all “huge pussies”. He pushed the door out of the way softly and stepped into the hallway.

“Check all of the rooms, just in case if there are squatters,” my friend Sam told everyone as we moved into the hall.

There were five rooms in total. We check each starting with the one at the end of the hall. The master bedroom was completely empty, except for a few wood splinters from people attempting to smash the shelves on the far right wall. It was very cold and unnerving in that room. It always felt as the walls had eyes and were watching your every move. The next room was a child’s bedroom the floor space was completely filled with 7 red dark velvet chairs and an old bed frame made out of scrap wood. The window was boarded up but the plywood had a hole in the middle of it, casting a small but welcoming sunbeam across the room. Next to that was a closet that held the broken hot water tank, not very exciting. Stupid water tank. The bathroom was next to the water closet, and the bathroom looked as if it were out of an out of a horror movie, broken mirror, a fading turquoise tub full of garbage slightly hidden by a tattered and torn shower curtain, the walls we covered in dents and scratches and the toilet had some…questionable things in the bowl. Finally, everyone poured into the main room. The half kitchen half living room complete with tacky green couches and fading hardwood flooring. The walls had a thick layer of dust on them and the kitchen cupboards had all been damaged by vandals, kicking holes through them and tearing their doors right off the rustic hinges.

The front main window was smashed and wide open leaving us slightly exposed to the outside world but that didn’t matter, we were too invested in our new found clubhouse. We began to clean up, Brendan moved the furniture, Sandro and nick boarded up the window, sam and Jerm found some brooms out back and swept up and about a half hour later, it was all clean. As we were finishing tidying up, I came across this small piece of wallpaper, and I began drawing a penguin. Jerm peered over my shoulder and saw what I was drawing and reminded me of this show called Pengu that I used to watch. He said that in the show, the main character used to shout “noot noot” when he was happy. When he said that I noticed Brendan’s eyes lit up.

“The Noot! We could call this place The Noot!” Brendan boasted excitedly.

We then spent the next few hours goofing around, talking and overall just making a lot of noise until we eventually got bored and hungry. We sent Nick and Sandro off with some money to get us some pizza, while the rest of us helped clear the willow bush growing out of the rusty old firepit. When they got back we spent the rest of the night sitting around the fire telling stories and Little Caesars pizza. Still to this day that may have been the best day of my life.

This winter I ventured through the deep snow to check up on The Noot. After trudging through two-foot deep snow for nearly ten minutes, I had arrived to see that some other kids broke in, stole what was valuable and broke and vandalized the rest. I entered to see an entire interior wall missing and everything covered in bright red and green spray paint. When I first saw this, my heart sunk and a got a little lump in my throat because I didn’t want to lose this place to some jerk kids. So I’ve vowed that over my last summer, I’m gonna clean it up and make it a special place for my friends again.

 

UPDATE

It was demolished by some asshole who thinks a church is more important than my friends hangout. so now we are all really sad. more than we usually are.

Nathanial, walking the cow.

I am Nathanial, and i have no idea why i called this blog walking the cow. I guess I like being alone as of late because people, at least in my opinion have gotten more violent and arrogant. but its not like I have to deal with people all the time anyways since I spend about 90% of my free time in abandoned buildings. If its abandoned and in Alberta, I’ve been there. I enjoy finding beauty in things that have been forgotten about and destroyed. I really would rather spend my life living in a random abandoned gas station than a giant luxurious mansion. lately I’ve been spending a lot of my time capturing the forgotten beauty by taking photos and representing destruction through my art.

 

an other huge part of my life is music, and my favorite part of it is how experimental you can get with it. at the moment I can play bass, guitar, drums and i’m learning piano. My friends and i have been working on a weird demo album thing. I believe happiness and respect are the most important things in life. if something doesn’t make you happy, why waste your precious time with it? and if someone is disrespecting you, don’t let them into your life. I have never had to write anything creatively before and this blog is kinda my debut, which you can probably tell since i’m absolutely terrible at turning my thoughts into words on a page, I would much rather draw. one thing i’m dreading is the future. seeing as I know how to do trigonometry, and meiosis and mitosis, and how to write an essay but I don’t know any skills ill actually need for when I move out;(I don’t like school, at all.)

 

over the last year I have had many perspective changing events happen to me, and i’m really starting to realize how little I actually know about myself and lost I really am. thank god I have a year off to figure out why i called my blog walking the cow.